It inspired me to write my own version for the Sydney Bears.
The 7 Types of Bears Hockey Players:
- The Pre-Game Deuce Dropper
Doesn’t matter what night your game is scheduled or even what time, but right before the game this guy’s gotta squeeze out a dookie. Too bad for you if you’re playing at Penrith where the toilet is right in the change room because now you’re gonna have to live with the smelly consequences.. but don’t worry, because the nervous pooper locked the door behind him and now no-one else could get in anyway! (not that you’d want to)
2. The Late comer
Despite being a club member for a million years and knowing the exact location of EVERY rink in Sydney, this guy still manages to show up late EVERY GODDAM Game! Somehow he has a superhero sixth sense and can tell that exact moment when you’ve finally accepted that he’s not gonna make it, re-shuffled all the lines for that night and that’s when he swaggers in.. either that or 30 seconds into the first period when you really WANT to bench the guy but you can’t because you are so bloody tired.
3. The Training Nazi
We know it’s not the NHL which means although we want to WIN, we still just want to scrimmage every Tuesday night instead of doing drills. This guy is forcing you to do BS drills every week no matter what. Don’t wanna do drills? HOW ABOUT MORE SUICIDES? No Scrimmage for you! Come back, 1 year.. Just because he’s making you a better hockey player doesn’t make you hate him any less.
4. The Training Nazi’s Bitch
Every once in a thousand training sessions, the training Nazi will soften up and say “Who wants to scrimmage?” And this douche canoe will pipe up from behind and say “No coach, I vote for more drills”
It’s only a matter of time before this guy is found dead in a dumpster, strangled with a smelly old hockey jockstrap. If you recognise the photo – I’M JUST MESSING WITH YOU.
5. The Hero
You’ve been out of hockey for 10 years so you go to D-League and train up for a while and then find a place in a Div4 team, maybe even Div3 or Div2. Then you see this guy that really should be playing 1 or even 2 divisions higher, but just likes to be better than everyone so he plays a division down. He sledges you all like little bitches, but don’t worry, when you move up a division, he’ll still be there enjoying kicking ass. Know any Bears like this???
6. The Manager Man
This guy might not even play hockey but he sorts through all the shitty organisation crap and club paperwork like some sort of admin ninja. He’s the reason you get to play each week without having to fill out 7 forms beforehand. He handles the stupid association politics, updates your useless stats and makes sure the game sheet isn’t used by the Deuce Dropper to wipe his ass. You don’t know WHY anyone would put up with this shit, but pray he doesn’t quit because otherwise it’s all YOU!!
This one’s especially for Herbie, Jim, Borjo and Rumps!
7. The Thug
He’s a black hole for penalty minutes. The association know his name and save a mail slot for the 3 apology letters he will have to write just to keep playing this season. He’s the reason you might not be allowed to play in the finals. Reasons he might throw a punch:
- Someone put a shitty check on him
- Someone put a legal check on him
- Someone put a check on anyone else
- Someone winked at him
- Someone stood too close to him
- Someone’s stick touched the puck
He shits you to tears but for some reason you can’t bring yourself to drop him from the team.. I think you know who I mean!
Got any others??